Creepy Uncle Rachel – Written on the Fly

I travel frequently for work, and almost all of my trips require me to fly somewhere. Along the way I’ve learned a few unwritten rules or tips that I figured I would share with the world…or the 30 people who read this article (fingers crossed).

  • The airport is a no judgment zone. Yes, I’ve pounded a vodka orange juice at 7 AM. What’s it to you? One caveat: If you get drunk, keep your shit together. I have a friend of a friend who blacked out and crapped herself on a flight. Unfortunately, I’m not an exaggerating. I give you permission to judge that, and her.
  • You can absolutely not complain about standing in a long line at security if you don’t have TSA PreCheck. Don’t be a peasant. Pay the $85 to skip the long lines and not have to take your shoes off while going through security for the next five years.
  • Now this one is a hard concept to grasp, because people are assholes (myself included). BE NICE TO PEOPLE. Specifically the people who work there…yes, even the curmudgeon TSA agents. Let them be dicks, they’re being underpaid to prevent another terrorist attack. On top of that they have to look through people’s disgusting luggage. I once put an object that resembled something dangerous in my ex’s suitcase, which may or may not have been a sex toy. That’s the crap they have to deal with on the regular. On another note, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m single.
  • When you’re on the plane, please don’t fart in your seat. This should be common courtesy, but people are animals. Go to the bathroom to let one rip – the seats are just too close to one another. I don’t know about you, but I like to enjoy my stale pretzels or Biscoff cookies sans the aroma of ass in the air.
  • Do NOT groom yourself (or anyone else) in any capacity on the plane. I had some broad put on a full face of makeup and paint her nails next to me. Honestly though, that’s child’s play to what I dealt with en route to Alaska. Someone changed their baby’s diaper on the tray table next to me. I had the window seat. I cannot put into words how disgusting it was, but I can tell you that little mutant ate something green.
  • Speaking of seat assignments, choose wisely. Never make the assumption someone will trade with you. Seat assignments are for keeps. Your two kids are in random middle seats because you didn’t want to pay extra to be seated all together? Weird. I DID pay extra to get an aisle seat, and I don’t feel bad about not switching…which is exactly what I told someone when I was heading to Orlando for work, while they were heading to the happiest place on Earth. I’m assuming their trip only went up from there.
  • If you stand up immediately after the plane lands and the seat belt sign turns off, you will forever be deemed a douche bag. No, I don’t want your crotch in my face for the next 15 minutes while we’re all waiting for the doors to open, and for the privileged 1% to crop dust us as they’re leaving first class.

I hope this helps for the next time you are traveling through an airport. Personally, I can’t wait for my next flight. I love to celebrate a safe landing with a good clap…I’m kidding. I’ve only done that once to embarrass my coworker who was in uniform. We didn’t speak all the way to baggage claim.

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